Two New Goals

My first new goal has to do with my insecurities.  Often times, I find it hard to understand why people would want to be friends with me.  This is one of my insecurities which always leads the other end to ask "Why do you care?"  Well, I do, clearly there are things about my personality that makes the few close friends I have want to be my close friends.  So I'm going to work on seeing the good in me and everyday, be it here or in my journal, I will write one good nice thing about myself.

Comment:  Clearly, you are a good artist.  You may not be top-quality, but you were not professionally trained and there's a reason that 134 people watch you on DA and hundreds of others favorite your artwork, and then there are the select few who throw over their money to own your art.  You should be proud to have come this far on your own, with no instruction.

My second goal follows:

Today was a preppy day.  During the week, I work around 8-10 hours in a chemistry lab and so I don't feel the need to make myself look gorgeous.  This is because there is nothing glamorous about a lab position and I'm sure that chemicals and make-up wouldn't make a very pretty me at the end of the day.

So once a week (usually Saturday) I take the time to take a long shower, shave my legs, condition my hair and go through the task of putting on make-up, decent clothes and straighten my hair.  Contrary to popular belief, I do like primping, I think it's fun but to me, it's not always practical.

I don't have a lot of problems with my body image, but in high school I was 125 lbs.  Then, I had a very active lifestyle doing color guard, with involved a combination of many things.  Cardio was done with dance, stretching was done and to a certain extent muscle was built from spinning, since tossing a rifle in the air is not for wimpy arms.

I cannot replaced color guard, mostly because IU does not have one but also because it's a part of my life I've left behind for the wonderful memories it has.  Occasionally I will pull out my rifle and spin it in the living room but beyond that, I don't do color guard anymore.  I've started ballroom dancing, but even then the extent to which I'm actually working out rather than staying active is pretty small.

I'm around 140 lbs, and at 5'3", it's not horrible but it is nearing overweight and I want to be between 120 and 125 again, with lean abs, less flabby arms and flatter tummy and firmer butt.  So I have a goal incentive, a reward if you will for my dedication to eating healthier and working out in a healthy way.

I'm 21, nearing the time when I will need to go to interviews, looking pretty and cleaned up.  I have a wardrobe that reflects my teenage years since my mom hardly ever let me get rid of things in high school.  If I can get to my goal weight in a healthy way, I'm rewarding myself with a new wardrobe, something to reflect the more feminine mature me.  The one who now likes dresses, shoes that aren't of the tennis variety and pretty tops which show off (but not in a slutty way) the nice pair of girls I got.  I inherited great body genes from my mom's side that gave me nice legs and the ability to have a lean, toned figure.  By abandoning the lifestyle I had in high school, I'm doing those great genes an injustice.

I'll keep you informed on how this goal is working.

The Experiment Day 1 Report:
Ironically, I think telling J that I wanted to try this has made it easier for me to not try texting him to say "Hi" because he knows that I'm trying this and I will feel guilty if I break that promise.
On the other hand, I'm dreading when the end of three weeks rolls around.  Why?  For two reasons: 1) I have to explain to him the reasons for me doing this, which means I need to finally admit that I like him and finally tell him how I feel about our friendship after this and 2) How will he feel back?  I don't want to lose his friendship, much less before it's final point right before my senior year.  I don't want to rely on him as much, but I want that mutual friendship to remain there.  I still want to tell him things and I want him to tell me things, etc.  I think I'm more worried about his reaction after than I am about mine.

I will let you know how this is working out 3 days from now.

The Risk of Being Happy, an Introduction

Hello, everyone.

First off I would like to say that the title is not a depressing as it may seem, it's from a quote by Robert Anthony: "Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."  Depressing right?

I'm not here to try and make people feel bad, but I will admit to myself and all of you in the blogging world that I'm more certain that I am miserable and the idea of being happy is a far off thought.

Many of you may know me (from DA or in real life, lucky you) but I'm guessing that there are some chances that some of you don't know me.  So, short intro time.

My name is Michelle, and my interweb persona is Ame (derived from my common username AmethystHeart).  I am not popular and I'm not amazing.  But I am a 21-year-old who's this close to being a college graduate.  I should make this a video blog, because clearly you cannot see me pinching my fingers together when I say "this close".  But I am.  And I have one more year left, so therefore I am a senior, and with luck of finishing all the required classes the lovely Indiana University, I will not have the pleasure of being a fifth-year senior.  Anyways (and I use this word a lot), as I come up to this final year of being with the best people (or rather person) I've ever met, taking dramatically difficult chemistry classes that may not matter in the future and living with my sister (and when I say I will miss her desperately so, I know it sounds like she's dying, but I promise she's not, I just hate being apart from the singular person I tell everything to), I realize that there are a lot of things I'm not happy about with regards to my life led thus far.  They range from the mundane, like my enormously outdated wardrobe to the more important things like being less needy in my friendships and getting back to my desired 125 lb weight.

So why the blog, Ame?
I'm not good at guilt tripping myself if I fail at something I've set a goal for.  Like The Experiment, which I will post about later, which on several occasions failed for one singular reason.  I feel like if I have to share my failures or successes, I will be more likely to succeed because who likes sharing failure.  I of course, will share failure (like if The Experiment doesn't work again) and I won't be happy to share them, but everyone fails in their goals, otherwise we would never grow and I want to grow.

Anyways, (see told you, there's that word again) I will leave you with this tad of info.  I'm sure in the coming days, you will learn more about who I am since I really hate taking about my personality in long-winded amounts.  I find it taxing to do, which is why I fear writing a resume, personal statement and CV, it's unhumbling.  Enough about me, onto my happiness project.